On Socialism
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.
On Nationality
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Poms (Brits) when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
On Patriotism
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
On TV
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one actually there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Canadians: Don’t watch Canadian TV because they can get more American channels.
On Sport
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Aussies: Will only watch sports with lots of blood and guts.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Aussies in every sport they play them in, and how they won the World Cup in 1966.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
On Language
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English.”
Aussies: Don’t care about spelling or pronunciation.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English.”
Canadians: Spell words like the Brits, but pronounce them like Americans.
On Shopping
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, petrol and alcohol in a backwards country.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, petrol and alcohol in a backwards country.
On Beverages
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
On Money
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
On Immigration
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Aussies: Encourage immigrants to go home quickly.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
On the Weather
Americans: Couldn’t care less about the weather.
Aussies: Don’t understand what inclement weather means.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
On Humour
Americans: Think that all Canadian comedians are American!
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they cann’t understand them.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd etc.
On Citizenship
Americans: Are proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Aussies: Are proud of the crimes of their past citizens.
Brits: Are proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great American citizens were once Canadian.