TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Is it a coincidence that our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your sofa? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are so many cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named after a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there postmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologise?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of the ten things I have to remember to be a good dog:-
- I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
- The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with it and it makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
- The litter box is not a cookie jar.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, fox pooh etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- The rug is not a ‘face towel’.
- The bin men are not stealing our stuff.
- I must not play tug-of-war with underwear when the owner of said underwear is on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying ‘hello’.
- I mustn’t suddenly stand up when I’m under the coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven can I have my testicles back, please?