Smiling a lot is a valued trait: People who often smile sincerely radiate likeability, connect easily with others and are appreciated more.
By smiling, you make a positive impression that will assist in making contacts and reaching your goals. Moreover, smiling makes you feel good. However, not all smiles are created equal, and it is not a good idea to smile in every situation.
Let's face it, smiling is not always as easy as it looks, which might be why why we often indulge in it so sparingly. When all is said and done, it takes a bit of practice to turn smiling into a habit. In this article I will provide you with some ideas on how to practise, in the hopes of putting a pleasant smile on your face that stays there for a long time.
What does your smile mean?
Management is serious business! However, most managers are aware of the positive effect a well meant smile can have on others. In most situations your smile will contribute to your success. On the other hand, there are moments when you'd better not smile: Imagine that you are receiving some bad-news, or you're in the middle of a difficult negotiation.
In addition, not all smiles are created equal: When someone smiles, we think of pleasure and happiness first, but that interpretation is not always correct. Imagine, for example, that you stumble on the street and almost knock into someone. Are you happy? No! But the chances are high that you will smile at the other person, and that the other person will immediately answer with a smile. The meaning of the smile here is more by way of an apology.
Dare to smile
Finding the right balance between showing a happy or serious facial expression is an art in itself. We want to come across as relaxed and friendly, but be taken seriously at the same time. However, If we contemplate this for too long, a frown will soon appear on our faces. In the end, with a smile, you will achieve the most and you will feel most happy with it. Nevertheless smiling isn't always that easy; sometimes a lot of courage is needed to do it. Especially in situations where when it's preferable to smile, we tend to clench our jaws and look too tense.
Many job applicants miss out on a promising career because they were too tense to conjure a spontaneous smile on their faces. Many lovers miss out on their life partner because they didn't dare smile during the first meeting. And many managers have possibly lost the deal of their dreams, because they couldn't smile spontaneously.
A well-meant smile is almost something you cannot do too much of. Most people respond positively to this friendly gesture. And if they do not do that, it probably says more about their own fear of smiling. That said, smiling at someone who does not smile back can evoke a feeling of discomfort and shame. We naturally fear losing face. That's why we perhaps do not always dare to smile.
Smiling in discomfort
If you are not accustomed to smiling spontaneously, you will quickly feel uncomfortable in situations where smiling is required, and through this feeling, how your smile looks is changed. Take as an example again the loving couple who look into each other's eyes for the first time. They like what they see, and they could show that by smiling broadly as they gaze adoringly into each other's eyes. However, the uncertainty of new love causes their smile to become less broad while they look shyly at the ground. This kind of smile doesn't mean "I'm happy to see you", but rather "I'm uncomfortable with you looking at me".
In a business context, during a job interview for example, we tend to only smile with our mouths while our eyes aren't smiling at all, perhaps because of the tension. This rigid smile doesn't come across as honest, and has a rather counterproductive effect..
Make smiling second nature
If you make it second nature to smile easily in different situations, it won't take that much effort to smile disarmingly when the tension rises somewhat. In order do that, you need to practise smiling. By experiencing how it feels to smile you can also observe how your smile comes across to others, and how they react to it: Smiling often will give you the self-confidence to keep on smiling.
In the first part of this article you read about why smiling is so important, but it is not always a simple matter to do it spontaneously. To allow you to familiarize yourself with smiling I'm going to suggest some exercises which you can do. Following on from the section on exercises there is a 'This-May-Happen-To-You' section, which outlines some of the possible results of these exercises. This will give you a basis of comparison for your own experiences.
1. Warm-Ups In Front of the Mirror
Perhaps you normally look in the mirror primarily to see if your hair is okay, if your makeup is well applied, if you are smooth shaven and if your skin has no blemishes. Now is the time for sincere facial expressions. Call up a happy feeling and then smile at yourself. Then smile just once with only your mouth (without your eyes joining in). Do you see the difference? Now turn away from the mirror and imagine a situation in which you actually want to smile, but you consider it to be difficult. Imagine that this situation is actually taking place at this very moment. Now smile at the imaginary other person who plays a role in the scenario. Then turn back to the mirror. What does your smile actually look like?
2. Put It Into Practice
Greet everyone you meet at your workplace next week with a pleasant smile, as if you are genuinely happy to see them. You don't have to keep a permanent grin on your face during the entire conversation. It's enough for this exercise that you simile every time you come into contact with someone. Don't tell the people you're talking to that you are smiling as part of an exercise, or the effect will be lost.
3. Study the Reactions
Observe the reactions of others to your behaviour. Do they smile back? Does it seem like the meeting goes better or worse than usual? Does everyone seem to be surprised? Are there people who respond suspiciously, too? Does the meeting last longer or shorter than normal? Do you get the idea that when you regularly meet people during the week (with a smile), something has changed in your relationship with them? Write down at the end of each day what the reactions of other people were.
4. Compare the Differences
Is there a difference between the reactions of men and women? Does age make a difference? Does it matter which position the other people have in the organisation: whether they are your superiors, direct colleagues of subordinates? How do the people you normally don't have much contact with react? Do receptionists, cleaners, technicians, canteen staff, suppliers, and customers react differently than your direct colleagues?
5. Describe Your Own Reactions
Did you have something against this exercise? Did you find this exercise difficult or easy in the end? Did you feel ridiculous while doing the exercise at any moment? Was there a moment you wanted to stop with exercise? If so, why? Did you have the idea that your opinion about others sometimes changed? Did you spend more time with people who you didn't like so well before? Did you notice that you got along with them better? How did it feel when others smiled at you?
This Might Have Happened to You
Let's see how the exercises went. If everything came off rather as expected, then you will surely recognize the following points...
1. Smiling at yourself in the mirror didn't take that much effort, did it? No matter how unsure you normally feel in social situations, it is fun and feels nice to smile at yourself. When you smile at yourself, you look good. You should have clearly seen the difference between the ungenuine and the genuine smile.
2. Having to do the practical exercises may have caused you some consternation. You were probably afraid that you would look ridiculous or that others would figure out your intentions. You might have been afraid that other people would take you less seriously. It took a lot to persuade yourself to get started in the first place, but in the final analysis, it didn't turn out to be as difficult as you had expected. You found it rather easy to do the exercise. Others didn't judge your behaviour as being strange, but responded positively.
3. Most people answered your greeting smile with a smile. This didn't abate after you smiled at the same person again and again each time you met them. Even in these cases, you kept on receiving cordial smiles in return.
4. Most meetings went more smoothly than usual. You noticed more spontaneity in others, and that in turn gave you a good feeling. Because of this, it will become easier to get on the same wavelength with others and improve your business relations.
5. Some people, particularly the people with whom you haven't had such a good relationship, might have been surprised by your new approach, but not necessarily unpleasantly surprised. Perhaps some of them were even a little bit suspicious and thought to themselves 'what's behind all of this?" But mostly you got positive reactions. You will have noticed that your own attitude towards others improved and became more and more positive. You might even have found that you could more easily reconcile yourself with differing opinions.
6.The duration of your meetings with others was usually longer than usual. People have a tendency to let pleasant moments last longer and to shorten unpleasant moments. Sociability doesn't watch the clock! However, it doesn't mean that you have wasted your time.
7. Young people tend to react more spontaneously than older people, and women let you know sooner than men regarding how enthusiastic they are about your jovial greeting. In general, your subordinates and co-workers probably reacted more openly than your superiors, but your positive approach did not go unnoticed by them either. If you keep it up, it will have a positive effect in the long run. The people you don't directly work with should have responded to your smile more openly than your immediate co-workers. That doesn't mean that they do not value your spontaneous greeting. They just need to get used to it.
About the author:
Frank van Marwijk is a sociotherapist and the director of Bodycom (Bodily Communication), a body language consultancy in the Netherlands. He is considered to be the best known Body Language specialist of the Netherlands. He has written several books about this matter.
Frank is the creator of a Dutch website about body language: www.lichaamstaal.nl. A partly translated version of which can be found at: www.bodylanguage.nu.