Need a new name?

Read the following directions carefully:-

The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey.

The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names:-

Instructions:-

Use the FIRST letter of your first name to determine your new FIRST name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = dorkey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = gidget
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the FIRST letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new LAST name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the LAST letter of your last name to determine the second half of your LAST name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example, George Bush's new name would be Fluffy Toiletshorts and Tony Blair's new name would be Falafel Toiletbuns (maybe they are related).

My new name would be Booger Wafflenose!