Mr Chigger Hello, I saw your advertisement for flying lessons and I’d like to make an appointment.
Second Secretary Well, Mr Anemone’s on the phone at the moment, but I’m sure he won’t mind if you go on in. Through here.
Mr Chigger Thank you.
Mr Anemone Ah, won’t be a moment. Make yourself at home. No, no, well look, you can ask Mr Maudling but I’m sure he’ll never agree. Not for fifty shillings … no… no. Bye-bye Gordon. Bye-bye. Oh dear. Bye-bye. Missed. Now Mr er…
Mr Chigger Chigger.
Mr Anemone Mr Chigger. So, you want to learn to fly?
Mr Chigger Yes.
Mr Anemone Right, well, up on the table, arms out, fingers together, knees bent…
Mr Chigger No, no, no.
Mr Anemone (very loudly) Up on the table! Arms out, fingers together, knees bent, now, head well forward. Now, flap your arms. Go on, flap, faster… faster… faster… faster, faster, faster, faster – now jump! Rotten. Rotten. You’re no bloody use at all. You’re an utter bloody wash-out. You make me sick, you weed!
Mr Chigger Now look here…
Mr Anemone All right, all right. I’ll give you one more chance, get on the table…
Mr Chigger Look, I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.
Mr Anemone A what?
Mr Chigger I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.
Mr Anemone Oh, ‘an aeroplane’. Oh, I say, we are grand, aren’t we? Oh, oh, no more buttered scones for me, mater. I’m off to play the grand piano. Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane. Now get on the table!
Mr Chigger Look. No one in the history of the world has ever been able to fly like that.
Mr Anemone Oh, I suppose mater told you that while you were out ridin’. Well, if people can’t fly what am I doing up here?
Mr Chigger You’re on a wire.
Mr Anemone Oh, a wire. I’m on a wire, am I?
Mr Chigger Of course you’re on a bloody wire.
Mr Anemone I am not on a wire. I am flying.
Mr Chigger You’re on a wire.
Mr Anemone I am flying.
Mr Chigger You’re on a wire.
Mr Anemone I’ll show you whether I’m on a wire or not. Give me the ‘oop.
Mr Chigger What?
Mr Anemone Oh, I don’t suppose we know what an ‘oop is. I suppose pater thought they were a bit common, except on the bleedin’ croquet lawn.
Mr Chigger Oh, a hoop.
Mr Anemone ‘Oh an hoop.’ Thank you, your bleeding Highness. Now. Look.
Mr Chigger Go on, right the way along.
Mr Anemone All right, all right, all right. There. Now, where’s the bleeding wire, then?
Mr Chigger That hoop’s got a hole in.
Mr Anemone Oh Eton and Madgalene. The hoop has an hole in. Of course it’s got a hole in, it wouldn’t be a hoop otherwise, would it, mush!
Mr Chigger No, there’s a gap in the middle, there.
Mr Anemone Oh, a gahp. A gahp in one’s hoop. Pardon me, but I’m off to play the grand piano.
Mr Chigger Look, I can see you’re on a wire – look, there it is.
Mr Anemone Look, I told you, you bastard, I’m not on a wire.
Mr Chigger You are. There is.
Mr Anemone There isn’t.
Mr Chigger Is.
Mr Anemone Isn’t!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn’t!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn’t!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn’t!!
Mr Chigger Is!!!
Voice Over Anyway, this rather pointless bickering went on for some time until…
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