1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they’ll be a mile way, barefoot and you’ll have their shoes.
  4. Going to church doesn’t make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  10. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  11. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  12. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
  13. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
  14. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  15. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
  16. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  17. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  18. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  19. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.