Inspired by the recent “greedy scoundrel” insult handed out by an Indonesian student to his marching band mentor (which earned him a six month suspended sentence) Here’s a list of wittier insults that I hope will inspire him.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…if you have one.” George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.” Churchill’s reply to Shaw:

“If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” Lady Astor to Winston Churchill:
“If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” Churchill’s reply to Lady Astor.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
– Winston Churchill

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Moses Hadas

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… For support rather than illumination.”
– Andrew Lang (18 44-1912)

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
– Jack E. Leonard

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
– Thomas Brackett Reed

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
– Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
– Forrest Tucker

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder