Aeroplane: What mum impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat puréed vegetables.
Apple: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Baby: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mum ‘s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
Bathroom: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except mum to be self-cleaning.
Because: Mum’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
Bed and Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where mum always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
Couch Potato: What mum finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Date: Infrequent outings with dad where mum can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
Drinking Glass: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dust Rags: See “Dad’s Underwear”
Ear: A place where kids store dirt.
Eat: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
Energy: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
Eye: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to mum, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Food: The response mum usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “Sarcasm”
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Geniuses: Amazingly, all of mum’s kids.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Hindsight: What mum experiences from changing too many nappies .
Ice: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
Independent: How mums want their children to be as long as they do everything they say.
Jeans: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
Junk: Dad’s stuff.
Kiss: Mum medicine.
Kleenex: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where mum buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
Maybe: No.
Ocean: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
Open: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
Overstuffed Recliner: Mum’s nickname for dad.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.
Two Minute Warning: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: The ability to whine in words.
Wash Basket: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Whodunnit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Thanks to Chewks