You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You sing along to elevator music.

You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

You have a party and the neighbours don’t call the police.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age… And isn’t breaking any laws.

Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy discussing other people’s operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, “Did I wake you?”

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear socks with sandals.

You know what the words equity and escrow mean.

Your have more hairs in your ears than on your head.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.