Rowan Atkinson’s Elementary Dating Script

Good evening and welcome to the Boston University Huntingdon theatre, for this the second part of our course in elementary courting for men. May I say how pleased I am with tonight’s turnout, some 800 people, which is very gratifying.

Tonight we look at the first date. Obviously taking out a girl for the first time is a very complex issue.

The first crucial step is, having arranged to pick up your date, not to look like a complete idiot when she first opens the door. Best to look as if your attention has been momentarily distracted. But when you do notice her it is vital to say how pretty she is looking straight away, but don’t overdo it.

If at this point you are introduced to her parents, attitude is all important: You can be too casual. You can be too keen.

When you have said goodbye to the parents, again don’t overdo it, lead her to your car and remember to open the door.

Once in the car there are various ways of driving: If you drive like this, you might lose her respect. If you drive like this, you should have taken a taxi.

Before long you’ll arrive at the restaurant. Get out of the car, and escort her to your table. Then tuck her into her seat – yourself, and attract the waiter’s attention.

Selecting from the wine list is important, complete ignorance is not good. When the bottle arrives, there’s much to be made in the tasting of it, but don’t be too professional.

With eating, again, moderation is the order of the day: Don’t eat too fast. – But don’t eat too slowly.

Next is receiving the bill. This is a very important moment, you must be sure not to lose your cool: This is right. – This is wrong.

The girl may of course offer to pay herself, in which case you should refuse, for a while.

Next stop is a fashionable discotheque. Once inside you might look slightly strange if you try and talk over the music, so just stand casually and look sexy.

This is good. This is better. This is starting to be misguided.

After stance, dance technique is most important. Most people don’t know how to dance and so do too much. Other people do too little. Some people dance as if there’s something up their bottom. And other people dance as if there’s something coming out of their bottom.

When all’s said and done it’s best probably not to dance at all A well-mimed sporting injury is always useful and a good excuse for leaving the discotheque.

If you don’t utterly foul it up, twenty minutes later you should be back at at your place.

It’s important to relax and make your guest feel at home. She will probably feel as nervous as you do and there’s no need to make any extra special effort

Then putting on the music, we can’t help you with the choice of CD, even though no matter what the circumstances, Donny and Marie Osmond’s greatest hits would be a mistake.

At all costs avoid the temptation to brag about your stereo.

Now comes the moment you’ve been waiting for, the seduction. This is the subject of next week’s lecture.

However, as a rough guide: This is right, and this is, I think you’ll agree, disastrous.