A policeman (Stephen Fry) and Derek (Hugh Laurie) are at the police station.
P: All right. Could I just have your name, please, sir?
D: Right, uh…hold on a second….(reaches into his pocket)…Ready?
P: Yes.
D: My name is Derek (drops a pack of gum on the counter—thunk).
P: (confused look) What are you doing?
D: That’s my name.
P: What is?
D: This. Derek (drops gum again—thunk).
P: What? Derek (drops gum—thunk) is your name?
D: Yes!
P: What kind of name is that?
D: It’s my name!
P: A bit unusual, isn’t it, Mr. (thunka-thunk)?
D: If I had a pound for every time someone had said that to me!
P: Um, how do you spell (thunk), Mr. (thunk)?
D: It’s as it sounds.
P: Uh, yeah…if you wouldn’t mind spelling it for me….
D: (looks at watch)Well I mean, can’t you um…
P: I would be very grateful if you would spell it for me.
D: Oh, all right then. N. I. P. P. L. hyphen. E.
P: Nipple.
D: (confused) I beg your pardon?
P: Nipple.
D: Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?
P: N-I-P-P-L-E….
D: Hyphen-E!
P:….hyphen E in my book spells nipple. It does not spell (thunk).
D: Have you gone mad? What are you talking about? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly-trained law enforcement unit! You can’t even spell!
P: All right, Mr. Nipple, if I could have your address, please.
(no response)
P: Your address, please.
D: Are you talking to me?
P: Yes.
D: You want to know my address?
P: Yes, please.
D: Or do you want to know Mr. Nipple’s address?
P: Your address, please.
D: My address. Right. My address is number 22 (tap dance, slaps policeman) King's Lynn.
P: Watch it.
D: What?
P: Just watch it.
D: Watch what, for heaven’s sake?
P: You do realize that assaulting a police officer is a very serious offense?
D: Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But giving your address to a policeman, on the other hand, probably isn’t so serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law has changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they’re asked!
P: All right, all right. Let’s just check this with you, shall we, Mr. (thunk)?
D: Yes?
P: Your address is 22 (tap dance, punches Derek) King's Lynn.
D: No, no, no. What’s the matter with you? It’s 22 (tapdance, slaps policeman) King's Lynn. Tch!
P: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was 22 (tap dance, punches Derek) King's Lynn.
D: Well, it isn’t!
P: Can’t read my own handwriting.
D: Well, get a typewriter!
P: I don’t think we could afford a typewriter, sir. Do you know, it’s funny….From some angles it looks like 22 (tap dance, pulls out a cricket bat and whacks Derek across the head) King's Lynn.
