Working out, losing weight 
Maybe using tanning spray
Becoming more attractive in general 

Reading more, watching less
Learning all the rules for chess
Becoming somewhat smarter in general
Eating fish, not fingernails
Volunteer to save the whales
Becoming a better guy in general
Saving more, spending less
Yes I will wax my chest
Dating more girls in general

But not this year. No this year is different!
As different as a gazelle. Yes, a gazelle from a deer.
After all these failed resolutions.
My future is clear, the future is near!

Just forget those resolutions you 
Know that you are never gonna do
And adopt a more realistical [realistic] view 
By committing to things that come easily to you
Like eat at least one value meal a week
Or put the correct shoes on the correct feet
Just “Raise the bar to walk effortlessly underneath!”

Just face the fact you’ve always thought
Those resolutions don’t mean squat
Settle in to a comfortable spot
Embrace all the things you know you are not.
Hit the snooze, roll over, then repeat
Make large purchases, then lose the receipts.
Just “Raise the bar to walk effortlessly underneath!”