- On vampires: “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his centre parting is always so perfect?”
- On rising sea levels: “It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.”
- On space exploration (again): “What was the rush to get to space? We landed a man on the moon before someone thought about putting wheels on a suitcase.”
- On getting something for nothing: “I like walking past the zoo, ‘cause you can see the top of the giraffes for free.”
- On cats: “Ginger cats are always fatter. It’s as if they’re unhappy about being ginger and turn to food.”
- On houses: “People who live in a glass house still have to answer the door.”
- On extinction: “We’ll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I’m saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it’s like, ‘Well that’s
life, things will come and go, we’ll find new species.” - On social media: “Everyone is living for everyone else now. They’re doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don’t get all that social media stuff, I’ve always got other things I want to do – odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.”
- On anatomy: “The other day I was thinking – because I get a lot of headaches – I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it’s probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it’s at the top as opposed to, I don’t, dangling at the bottom somewhere.”
- On life, the universe and everything: “They say it all started with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn’t anything else drown it out at the time?”
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