"Good evening. I am the president of the Loyal Society for the Relief of Suffers from Pismronunciation, for the relief of people who can't say their worms correctly, or who use the wrong worms entirely, so that other people cannot underhand a bird they are spraying. It's just that you open your mouse, and the […]

Best Lines from the Two Ronnies:- On a packed show tonight, we'll be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who can no longer make ends meet. The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies. The toilets at a local […]

On the first day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years." Happily man went away. On the second day, God created cow and said, "You must go into the field for man all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves […]

> DAY 752 -My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I […]

These fabulous examples have been collected by author Adam Jacot de Boinod into The Meaning Of Tingo - a collection of words and phrases from around the world. Hawaiians, for instance, have 108 words for sweet potato, 65 for fishing nets - and 47 for banana. Albanians have 27 separate expressions for the moustache:- Madh […]

> Day number 180 > 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE! > 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! > 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE! > 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE! > 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY […]