On vampires: “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his centre parting is always so perfect?” On rising sea levels: “It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.” […]

On his grievances: “What annoys me is how much land is being taken up by dead people.” On travelling: “You can be into travelling, but the world’s only so big, innit? So eventually you’re gonna run out of places to visit. Whereas biscuits… there’s loads of them.” On prayer: “That’s what praying is, really. A posh moan.” […]

On physics: “The earth is gonna fall down one day. We have too many heavy things on it.” On space exploration: “Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain’t been back. It can’t have been that good.” On the film Gremlins: “What were those things in the film Gremlins called?” On […]